A Little Backstory
So, this is an article that I’ve been wanting to pen for a long time. Why? Well, for one, it’s something close to my heart; it’s something that I tend to do. But, that’s not all! After months of research and talking to my friends who are studying social and personality psychology, I finally figured out the reason. It was hiding in plain sight. I guess I just needed a slight nudge in the right direction. Therefore, I wanted to not only share my findings but also to help people who are also pushing others away but don’t know the reason.
Why Me?
Have you ever found yourself in a position where you subconsciously pushed someone away? Did you wonder why you did so? Whether the person was a family member or a classmate you barely spoke to, it happens to the best of us. You want to be close, but constantly keep people at a distance. It’s the most paradoxical thing you do yet you can’t control it. Later, you may start asking yourself: “Why do I push people away?”
Past Hurt and Suffering
Okay. This is going to open up some wounds but we have got to get through this. Get your tissues ready!
We’ve all been hurt before. And there’s no easy way to describe the pain. Not even the word excruciating. Unfortunately, the knife runs deeper if it was someone whom we trusted a great deal; someone whom we had given our heart to and to whom we shared our deepest, darkest secrets. Therefore, being hurt permanently scared us. Even if we tried to forget it, it’s not all gone. And that’s why we might be pushing new people away.
Your hesitation is perfectly understandable and rational. You are not alone. Abruptly broken, abusive, or toxic relationships can destroy the trust you have for other people. This can make it hard to open up to others, let alone trust them with your deepest feelings. And there’s nothing wrong with that. You’re not crazy or over-dramatic. In fact, you are human and you always will be. As humans, we make mistakes.
With any trauma, healing takes time. Be kind to yourself and be proud that you’re trying to get back out there. Maybe, one day when you least expect it, you will be ready to let someone in. Furthermore, this person will remind you of how much you deserve to be loved and respected.
Pushing Away the Burden
Has someone ever made you feel like you weren’t worthy of their time or attention? Did that make you feel like a burden?
I have a habit of texting the words “SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU” every time I send a message. At first, I didn’t think it was anything worth being concerned about. However, I realized that the reason I did this was that I often felt that I was a chore or burden for others. And, maybe if I apologized beforehand, they wouldn’t get so upset. But…that was not the problem. It NEVER was.
Let me remind you that you are not a burden! Furthermore, you are just as valuable as anyone else! So, never allow anyone else to convince you otherwise. Still don’t feel it? Try writing a list of your good qualities and things that you like about yourself and keep it somewhere visible. Consequently, this will serve as a reminder that you are a wonderful person!
Also, additional mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, might contribute to low self-esteem. It can also be traced back to when your inner voice was developed in childhood. If you’re curious about it, you can read the article here! Also, a negative inner child can undermine your self-esteem and make it difficult to form connections with others. Finally, when you remember what you like about yourself, it will probably be easier for you to believe that others love spending time with you!
I’m Getting Attached!
Your attachment style can also play a role in avoiding intimacy.
If your primary caregiver or parent does not consistently meet your requirements for intimacy and other emotional support as a child, you may develop an avoidant attachment style as an adult. And, that okay but there is something you need to keep in mind.
Firstly, you want to form deep ties with friends and romantic partners as an adult, but you’re afraid they’ll let you down as your caregiver did. Moreover, you may tend to form low-involvement or casual relationships that you may exit if things become too intense. You could also cycle between the want to pull or cling to your companions and want to push them away. I’ve done this way too many times. But, I’m improving every day and that’s what matters. You can also read my article on attachments here!
Additionally, excessive clinginess can sometimes push partners away, particularly when relationship behaviors rapidly flip between strong craving for intimacy and a harsh rejection of it. Just try to understand yourself. Remember… you don’t need to make a huge transformation. But, you might now understand why you push people away. If you’re committed to keeping these people close to you, then you need to be open with them. Additionally, if you tell them which ways you best feel supported, you’ll get an extra helping hand in your healing journey!
Pushing Away Because of Emotional Drainage
Do you want a close friendship or a relationship? But do you still find yourself pushing people away? Perhaps previous efforts have drained you. Relationships take effort; they aren’t always positive, and they can bring you down if you’re not in a good place, to begin with. So, take your time. Relax. Don’t think you’re pushing people away because you’re toxic.
Take a break for a while! Once you feel replenished and are ready to start talking to more people, make a few changes to your routine. Then, spend your additional energy to respond to texts and engage in meaningful conversations! Moreover, show your friends that you care. Who knows? You might discover that nurturing relationships is a fun way to spend your time!
You’re Realizing What You Want
Sometimes, we unconsciously let the wrong individuals into our lives. This doesn’t mean that we don’t know how to make friends or keep them for that matter. It’s something entirely different! In fact, something is just a bit off, no matter how hard we try to build a solid connection. It’s hard to understand!
Our friends may be unintentionally toxic, or they may just not share our interests. Also, we may not recognize it at the time, but a mismatch causes us to gradually stop responding to texts, decline invitations to hang out, and begin to distance ourselves. That’s fine! Not everyone you meet will be a good fit for you, and you have the right to walk away from relationships that aren’t beneficial to you. Want some friendly advice? Keep an open mind to new relationships that may occur in your life, rather than getting disheartened or constantly beating yourself up. There’s so much in this world. You don’t have to tolerate second-best. Not anymore!
It’s All About Timing!
Big life changes can all interfere with your relationships. Whether it’s marriage, a new job or school, or a baby on the way; there are so many new experiences that shape and transform our life. And truthfully… we can’t run away from it!
Perhaps, you may decide to delay responding to messages from a close friend or to put hanging out with them on hold.So, they might think you aren’t interested and begin to back away. But, if you know that they might take it the wrong way, give them a heads up. Of course, this doesn’t imply you have to tell them EVERYTHING about yourself or provide a lengthy apology. You can simply apologize if you don’t respond as frequently as you used to, but you’re having a busy period. Therefore, you’re still committed without entirely dismissing them.
Please Remember This About Pushing Others Away…
Although pushing people away when you’re afraid of being hurt is common, this isn’t a healthy long-term relationship approach. Psychology is here to help us understand ourselves and our relationships better. To really improve, we need to apply these findings. Of course, it will be hard in the beginning. But, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you can’t see it!
There’s always more to learn! Figure out what your texting style says about your personality here.
Are you curious about depression? Check if these subtle warning signs are in your life!
Currently, I am a student of Fatima Jinnah Women University. With a burning passion for psychology, words, and dreams, I decided to abandon medical studies for humanities. These days, when I’m not listening to ballads, watching movies, or sitting down with a good novel, I am rigorously studying Hangul (Korean language) to satisfy my obsession for BTS and K dramas. I’m a thinking introvert and INFJ personality. Therefore, I like ‘me time’. My articles typically resonate with psychological well-being advice.