Feminists, Ask These Questions to Your Potential Partner.

Life is hard. But you know what’s harder? Finding a partner who shares the same values and beliefs as you. As a feminist, your (potential) significant other must be on the same page as you. Not because they HAVE to be, but because it helps you circumvent conflict. Okay, not all the time, but mostly. Now, I understand that bringing some of these questions up is hard, especially at the first meeting. But you can’t keep avoiding conflict, right? Conflict avoidance is a person’s method of reacting to conflict, which attempts to avoid directly confronting the issue at hand. Methods of doing this can include changing the subject, putting off a discussion until later, or simply not bringing up the subject of contention.

As George Carlin rightly puts it. “Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.” This means that women and men have to find ways to coexist in the most healthy ways possible. That only occurs if they talk about the “difficult matters” together and have a wholesome and holistic conversation with one another.

To help you all out, I went on an internet impeachment spree where I asked feminists to tell me questions that they’d want to ask their potential significant others. While some responses were hilarious, other ones really hit the mark right and will make you think hard. Whether you choose to shoot your significant other with the “hard questions” directly, or covertly ask them about stuff, that’s your call. Here’s what people have to say though. (Disclaimer: I am consciously keeping all of the responses anonymous)

Ask Them Directly.

• “Ask them straight questions about feminism. Voting, equal pay, abortion rights, shared housework, views on bringing up children. Whatever topics matter to you. See if there’s respect for your views where they differ from his.”
• “Ask open-ended questions about the things most important to you without including any answer suggestions. For instance, “How do you define feminism?” “What do you think is a woman’s role in a relationship?” The wrong ones will always give you idiotic answers. Most of the wrong guys in my experience try to define a separate relationship role for a woman versus a man, and that’s when you know you’re not in the right company.”
• Are you emotionally stable to get married or you just want to get married because of your parents?
• Would you marry me if I’m a rape victim?
• I want to wait 2 years before children, do you agree?
• What should be the husband’s role in household chores?
• If I’m earning, should I give a financial contribution to the house, and how much?
• If you hit me, what do you expect my response to be?
• I want the right to divorce in the nikah, is that going to be a problem?
• “I’d also ask opinions about Malala and Aurat March. Really helps you identify weirdos. Along with what does he feel about helping to raise the child, and not just babysitting his own kid?”
• What is the difference between “shareek-e-Hayat” and a wife?
• What does he think is an ideal husband and an ideal relation is like.
• How do you feel about doing chores around the house, changing your baby’s diaper, etc.?
• Do you think a wife has the right to know each and everything about you?
• Your thoughts on a joint family system, a joint bank account…
• What are your views on women’s rights?
• Are you comfortable with your wife working?
• Should household responsibilities be shared?
• What are your opinions on cheating?
• What if I don’t want to have kids?
• Why do you want to get married?
• If in any which way this doesn’t work out would you be okay with separation? Plus the addition of having the right to divorce?
• How would this work out financially, if I am earning too?
• If we are having kids, how would you contribute to being a parent and in household chores?
• What the most important thing in a relationship for you and what’s a complete no-no?
• Why is he going for an arranged marriage?
• Straight up are you a feminist? Or what do you think about feminists?
• What expectations do you have from your partner?
• Are you a Trump supporter?
• Do you believe in gay marriage?
• What his opinions are on ‘consent’ and working women?
• Do you respect people’s pronouns?
• Are Trans-Women, women?
• How do you respond to people when you’re told “no”?

Read this article about 10 questions every Intersectional Feminist should ask on their “First Meeting”.

Ask them indirectly.

Not gonna lie, people have some insanely interesting suggestions!

• “THOUGHTS ON AURAT MARCH PLEASE!”
• “For a first meeting, I’d stick to broader topics. A man’s opinion on the Aurat March, Qandeel Baloch and Malala Yousafzai are all I need to gauge whether they’re worth bothering with.”
• “No questions. Just mention you’re a feminist and check the guy’s reaction. You’ll get your answer.”
• “Literally ask him if he’s heard of Jordan Peterson and what his thoughts are on the dude and you’ll have your answer. Don’t ask straight-up questions because he might try to answer them according to how you want so try to assess by judging from the general conversation- considering this is the first conversation.”
• “Just gonna warn you to judge people by their actions rather than their words. Because he might give you all the politically correct answers, doesn’t mean that he necessarily stands by those views. Ask whatever you want to but do your own digging, ask mutual friends if you have any, and yeah don’t take what they say at face value.”
• “My friend and I have this go-to where we ask guys we just met what they think of the Aurat March without revealing our stance. This exposes bigots pretty quickly.”
• Instead of telling them your views, ask them questions on various matters like their views on feminism, women working after work, women prioritizing their career, the role of the father in raising kids, etc. You’ll get insights.
• “Ask him about his views on Aurat March, ‘Mera Jism Meri Marzi’, Malala, Kabir Singh, Ali Zafar, and the current education system of Pakistan. Apart from that, what can he cook, what are his thoughts about his mother, working women, etc.? If he uses words like ‘we allow women to work’, and ‘my mom is happy sacrificing her entire life for us’, then consider that a red flag.”
• “Also maybe trash Aurat March or something and see if he joins in.”
• “I wouldn’t ask. I would observe.”
• “This is the first date. So he really doesn’t know where you stand. Straight up ask are you a feminist. He doesn’t know what you want him to answer because he doesn’t know your views. He can’t lie according to what he thinks you want to hear. So if he really believes in feminism, he’ll say I’m a feminist. Otherwise, he won’t even want to be associated with the word as most people who are not. It will be evident.”
• “Reverse psychology. I would portray feminists, Aurat March, liberals as bad. Against our culture and Islam and see where he takes the conversation.”
• “Ask him about his views on a girl being raped because she wore “revealing clothes” (this one helps a lot. If he says, “Yeah, she was asking for it!” RUN. ) His views on dowry? How would you interact with my parents and how should I interact with yours? (See if his answers about both sides are equal or not)”

People also shared their personal wisdom, experiences, tips, and suggestions with us. Have a look!

• “When I was dating people a couple of years ago (in a relationship since) I used to find out what job/career they would have to get an idea of their availability and income – to know if they are going to be able to support themselves. I also like to find out how much they do around the house, so I’ll ask if he still lives at home with family or has moved out and whether he lives with someone. A living situation often implies domestic responsibility, and I don’t want to have to do everything in the house. I find out how independent he would be and what his goals are in life, especially regarding children. If he’s part of ‘lad culture’ with a big group of lads who go to Ibiza every summer, he’s unlikely to be the character who’ll share my outlook. Does he want to marry one day? Would he expect me to take his name? For me, it’s all about finding out how much a misogynist he probably is and if we’ll clash too much over ideals.”
• “I personally don’t bombard dates with a list of questions. I’d rather have a reciprocal conversation. For example, I might offer something about myself that I want to know about them. Maybe I would say I love being a social worker and helping people live their best lives. I would hope that the person would reciprocate that type of information back to me. If they didn’t that would just be a red flag. I personally don’t like it if somebody bombards me with a list of intrusive questions so I personally would not want to do that to somebody else.”
• “I think the whole certain question thing is quite unhealthy TBH. You are setting expectations. And yes we all have expectations but I think you get a much better idea of someone if you see how things flow. So there are the standard things, like where are you from, what do you do to start things off? But last that you should share and observe. See what topics they get into. How they talk about their family, do they listen and respond to you? Or are they just telling you stuff? This whole set of questions and ideas of what someone should be is I think quite damaging to just getting to know someone.”
• When I guide backpack trips, we play a game of questions. But because they can be about anything, they’re frequently about the asker who has something they want to tell. I find that sort of thing in life. I played this with my PT who asked “what’s one thing you regret doing?” That’s a really personal question and it’s because he had something he wanted to share… I tend not to do this one-on-one. Unless you’re ready for some very personal revelations.”
• “Maybe I’m weird, but I prefer conversational chatter to an interview/interrogation. People know the right things to say in an interview to ‘pass,’ OR they get so caught up in not doing well they come across poorly. Natural conversation with no set agenda other than getting to know each other will weed out the undesirable attitudes anyway.”
• “Conversation yes, but ask your questions casually! Don’t waste your time. What do you think of women’s rights? The point is that this should not even be a question anymore! But untangle his/her response.”
• “I don’t ask because some men will just lie and agree. I wait for it to come up organically so I can know their true feelings. You can mention something in the news that is relevant but let him give his opinion first.”
• A lot of times, you don’t even need to ask. They out themselves in simple regular conversations.
• “When I was dating as a single mother, I would often tell them I survived domestic violence, so my daughter’s father wasn’t in the picture. More than one asked me “what did I do to deserve to be beaten,” others told me I needed to be with a man asap, so I wouldn’t get “too comfortable” making decisions on my own. Others would use the fact that I had a daughter, to explicitly say they had a right to cheat, since I already “had my fun,” meaning I wasn’t pure enough for them, so they had to get even if we were ever in a relationship. I was never actually in a serious relationship with any of those men. Some dropped their bombs on the first date! So yeah, no need to ask for specifics. Even a simple discussion after a movie will let you know their thinking.”
• “I always ask about their politics. How do they think so and so is doing? Or ask about their thoughts on vaccinations. That tells me everything I need to know right from the get-go. I ask this before we meet. That way I don’t have to listen to the drone on. I’d ask who they voted for in 2020 (in the US) and that would tell me everything I need to know.”
• “I would ask them what they’re seeking in a woman. If they’re after the physical or want a deep emotional relationship.”
• I’m easygoing as far as beliefs. My husband used to think a lot of things (those others told him), that because of me, he knows simply aren’t true now. Because of not knowing any better, he believed a lot of rape myths men worry about. Like that it’s “easy to go to prison on a false rape claim”. But now he knows that even hard evidence, for sure wins cases with repeat rapists get swept under the rug. And I’m also open-minded to reinforce to him that, yeah men get raped too sometimes. That he appreciates hearing because it’s reasonable. Personality matters a lot more. Anger issues. My husband has a caring nature; is open-minded and flexible. It’s a lot better to find an open-minded, flexible man indoctrinated with false beliefs….than to find a man who says “the right things” – but is stubbornly set in whatever those ideas are. Inflexible. So I say… it’s not WHAT he answers – but HOW. Is he open to discussing? How intellectually can he debate ideas?”
• “Start strong, order for him at dinner, and ask what he knows about FLR. Pay for the dinner and let him know who the queen is.”
• “I’ve seen a lot of feminists on different forums talking about how they go on dates and they ask the man what kind of music they listen to and who their favorite singers are and if none of them are women then it’s a red flag. I’m not sure if that’s the best way or if it works but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Lol.”
• “Ask open-ended questions about the things most important to you without including any answer suggestions. For instance, “How do you define feminism?” “What do you think is a woman’s role in a relationship?” The wrong ones will always give you idiotic answers. Most of the wrong guys in my experience actually try to define a separate relationship role for a woman VS a man and that’s when you know you’re not in the right company.”
• “That whole situation sounds super objectifying from the get-go. I think it’s better to start dating someone you already know and like and who you find you have a lot in common with. That’s how you know-know.”
• “I always make it a point to ask if they r butt hurt I make more money than them and if they say no then I say what if I told you that I don’t like your family. People don’t like that one”

Interested in knowing about your privilege. Read this.

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