Attachment —Not a Bad Thing After All!

I know what you’re thinking. Everyone has the same thoughts. Attachment is not a good idea. It means that we are needy, clingy, weak, and dependent. I had the same misconceptions.We consider independence as the biggest factor of success. But, new science proves this all to be just a hoax. Hold on to each other because we’re about to get attached!

What You Need to Know

Levine and Heller released a book called ‘Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love’. This book explores how attachment—the bond created by a mother and her child—continues in adulthood. It delves deep into factors that affect friendships and relationships. I read this book a few months back when a friend of mine labeled me “too clingy”. While reading the book, I felt as if someone had carried out a profound and intensive analysis of my friendships and shoved it into my hands. It turns out getting attached isn’t the problem. It never was.

We all attach. Even the most independent of individuals. Think about it. Humans are social beings. Accordingly, there is a reason why solitary confinement is the worst punishment. Every human has an innate need to love and be loved. Therefore, ‘attach’ and ‘love’ can be perceived as synonyms. In the book, the authors explain attachment theory, attachment styles, and a plethora of case studies for diagnosing and solving problems.

What is Attachment Theory?

Firstly, what is attachment theory? It is a psychological theory that illustrates how young children require a relationship with at least one crucial caregiver for healthy social and emotional development. However, if that requirement is not fulfilled, the child does not develop socially and emotionally well. In their book, Levine and Heller have proposed that the way we ‘attach’ with our parents is similar to how we ‘attach’ with our partners and friends. These suggest that people can be divided into attachment styles which reflects the kind of bond they had with their parents.

Secure Attachment Style

Next, there are three various attachment styles. The first one is the ‘secure attachment style’. As the name suggests, secure individuals are warm, loving, and comfortable with intimacy. More than fifty percent of the world’s population falls under this category. These people are effective communicators; they depend on others and are dependable themselves.
To check your attachment style, take this short and easy quiz!

Anxious Attachment Style

Next, we have the ‘anxious attachment style’. They crave intimacy and are extremely preoccupied with the relationship. Also, they excessively worry their partners will not love them back. Around 20 percent of the globe has this style. These people often worry that others might see them as ‘needy’ and reluctant to achieve closeness.

Avoidant Attachment Style

Last and but not least, the third attachment style is the avoidant attachment style. These people are what Western societies typically have. Individuals in this group think attachment equals a loss of independence. Consequently, they try to ‘avoid’ intimacy and closeness. Our planet has approximately 25% of this style. Such people are uncomfortable getting close to others and find it difficult to depend on them for even trivial things.

If you are unsure of your attachment style, this quiz may help. Some of the categories are a labelled a little differently though. The summary at the end will help you understand the categories a little better 💛 https://t.co/FXNP1FfMM2

— TONI TONE (@t0nit0ne) October 22, 2018

The Takeaway

Once you identify your attachment style and your partner’s or friend’s, it’s easier to build your relationship. If you are a ‘secure’ person and they are ‘anxious’, keep reminding them that you are there for them. Their anxiety gets the better of them sometimes but they need to know they have you by their side. Otherwise, they will struggle to function well in life and society. Likewise, if they are ‘avoidant’, give them space and understand that their reluctance towards closeness does not mean they don’t love you; it means you just have different love languages.

Also Read: Soft Thorns- How a Rose Bleeds and Heals

Conclusively, it is crucial to keep in mind that ‘Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or preference.’ Dr. James Coan conducted studies that illustrate “when two people form an intimate relationship, they regulate each other’s psychological and emotional well-being”. Furthermore, “their presence is similar to a secure base”, Mary Ainsworth proclaims. When we know that someone’s got our back no matter what the circumstances are, we feel ready for life’s perplexing challenges. Instead of asking why someone would want you in their lives, ask yourself this: “Can this person provide what I need for a happy life?”